Re-writing the script: Unlearning childhood narratives with Stephanie Pinto

Speaker 1 0:00 but it’s not in our blueprint like our parents mostly did not do this. So I get it if this sounds a bit tedious and it sounds like it’s a, you said before, you know with, it sounds a bit like a script, sometimes it is it but everything is everything is unusual or unfamiliar. before it becomes familiar. That makes sense. Laura Petix 0:20 Welcome to the sensory wise solutions podcast for parents, where parents can get real actionable strategies to support kids with sensory processing disorder. I’m Laura, OT and mom to Lilyana a sensory sensitive kid who inherited my anxiety and my love for all things Disney. Consider me your new ot mom. bestie. I know my stuff. But I also know what it’s really like in the trenches of parenting a child with sensory processing disorder. Speaker 2 0:49 Okay, mom, enough about me. Let’s try the podcast. Laura Petix 0:56 Hey, everyone, welcome back to the podcast. Today I am interviewing Stephanie Pinto. She lives in Sydney, Australia with her family and is a certified emotional intelligence coach, pediatric anxiety therapist and ex speech pathologist. She’s the founder of let’s raise emotionally intelligent kids, an online community of over 90,000 parents. Her groundbreaking book from chaos to connection was published in March 2023 and was an immediate Amazon bestseller, Stephanie was appointed as the emotional intelligence mentor for Australia’s Nurture Parenting Magazine in 2021. She has also been featured in numerous international parenting summits and conferences, and is now hosted two virtual parenting conferences with speakers from across the globe. And you’ll hear us talk about that today. Her platform focuses on supporting parents in learning how to manage their emotions and frustrations and stress so that they are happier and calmer and can connect more deeply with their kids. She also helps parents to raise emotionally intelligent kids who are self aware and positively manage their emotions and behavior. So in this episode, you’re going to hear us talk about some of the common phrases, five of them specifically that we heard growing up from very well meaning very loving and caring, but less emotionally intelligent parents, you know, when you know better, you do better. So please know that as we share these phrases and things that we were told as kids and we try to offer alternate ways to respond. We are always working towards unlearning, and we are not perfect. We are trying to break cycles. We’re a work in progress. But trust me, I catch myself responding in the same ways that my parents did sometimes. So I’m just here to share with you the ideal ways to respond to your kids. But it’s definitely not easy. And I think acknowledging that, and still not being afraid to keep trying is absolutely key. In the episode, you’re gonna hear us talk about her upcoming virtual Summit, which is completely free, and incredibly valuable. So check the link below the show to grab your free ticket before it starts on July 22. Hello, Stephanie. I’m so excited to have you on my podcast for once I haven’t been able to return the favor and allow my audience to learn from you though you and I have had so many discussions on your platform and all of the ways that you serve your audience. I’m Speaker 1 3:34 excited to be here. I love talking to you. And yeah, thank you for having me on. I hope this is going to be probably maybe somewhat entertaining. But also only because I was thinking about before we jumped on, Laura, I asked you in an email I said so is this audio or visual or video and you said Oh, no. Basically just audio mic. Okay. PJs. It is good. Yes. Laura Petix 3:55 Oh, I’m in my I’m definitely in my comfy shirt. I had just regular makeup. Ah, but I was like working out. I’m getting ready for a cozy night. Like, this is all good. This is the best part about podcast recording, because no one no one needs to see what’s happening. Speaker 1 4:12 Anyway, but it is gonna be it is gonna be insightful. And I think it’s gonna be really interesting for a lot of parents to hear some of these kind of, I guess, beliefs or ideas that we don’t talk about a lot. So yes, Laura Petix 4:23 this is a really important topic. So when I reached out to have you on the podcast, I was like, what’s your passion topic? Like what’s something that you could talk about all day on? Because, you know, within the parenting community, it’s like so there’s a lot and so I like to find out everyone’s sort of niche or passion area. And you listed a couple and the topic that you said that you’re that you would talk about, I was like that sounds so relatable. And it was about really unlearning the narratives and the way that we were raised from our very well intending meaning like marry loving parents, but they just didn’t know a lot of the things that we know now. And so I love having these conversations with other parents who are cycle breakers and trying to rewrite the script. And so that idea of looking back to our childhood and the ways that our parents may have said things to us, maybe taught us maybe responded to our behaviors and how we would respond to our own children now, I think is going to be something that a lot of parents here are going to find value in. Unknown Speaker 5:28 Yes, so good. Laura Petix 5:29 I can’t wait. Yeah. Okay. Before we fully jump in to the goodness of this episode, I would love if you shared with people about the chaos to connection Summit. I shared it with them earlier in the intro, but if you want to give more information about it, how it got started, what inspired you and what’s special about this year’s summit so that they can join? Yes. Speaker 1 5:49 Okay, so this is our second year running. And I run it with a friend who’s actually over in Canada, I’m obviously maybe not obviously, I’m in Sydney, Australia. So we’re kind of across the sea from each other. Yeah. And Laura is the founder of the ADHD village. So she’s big like she and her two sons have ADHD. So their family is really navigating those, you know, differences. And we just connected online. And she’s run summits before and has asked me to speak on them. And we both thought, why don’t we do one together that really brings in for parents the power of understanding your own emotions and your kids emotion, big emotions, right? Because kids are balls of emotion, and how to handle the bad behaviors that go with that the challenging or difficult kind of moments. And especially for neurodivergent families, because that’s just a different ballgame. And I am so ledee happy that we are finally all just talking about it, accepting it understanding, wanting to like seeking out information like what does help different families. So anyway, long story short, we’ve, this is our second one. And it runs over five days. It is completely online. So anyone in the world can join I love that. And and it’s all it’s completely free. So you can join for free. You can watch all the sessions as there’s over 30 experts who have essentially donated a interview slash coaching session. It is so like such high value the caliber of the speakers. Some of you guys might know, Gordon Neufeld who wrote a book with Gabor Ma Tei. We have Dr. Laura Markham we have so she is huge, obviously in the US but worldwide. We have Dr. Vanessa Lapointe, we have some this amazing person called Laura Petix. We have Jennifer Killary destiny and Davis who is huge in the respectful parenting world would like there’s just I couldn’t read them all out. But they’ve all so Laura Petix 7:53 so these summits are such a big bang for your buck when your buck is nothing but you get so much. You get so much out of it. It’s literally everything at your fingertips. So hopefully people listening will hear hear this and have enough time to register before when’s the last day that they can register before the summit starts. Speaker 1 8:13 So really, the summit starts on July 22 and goes for five days. So I mean, we do have sometimes people registering during the summit, so you can join at any time. If you if you want to get organized. Just do it now. Yeah, Laura Petix 8:27 I agree. Don’t wait. Okay, so one last question for you. Before we get started, I would love to understand your specific role in the parenting space. So I know when you and I’d connected before you told me you actually were a speech pathologist. Right? And then now you’re in the parenting space. And it’s I kind of see you well, I know your Instagram is emotional intelligence. So I think everything emotional intelligence, but you were telling me that you’re specifically trained in certain niches within the parenting world. Can you give us a little intro to your specific role and your passion topic of interest that you share with your audience? Speaker 1 9:02 Yes. Okay. Yeah. So you are right. I was a speech pathologist, a pediatric Speechy for 10 years, then moved into emotional intelligence, just discovering it online, knowing knowing some people who was who are sharing about it, loved it. And yeah, fell into it actually, it beautifully connects and combines, I think, with communication and language, because if we don’t communicate, or you know, speak to our kids, in the ways that really resonate with them, then they’re not going to listen, that we’re gonna see challenging behavior. We’re gonna see big emotions. They’re gonna say, I don’t care. I don’t want to you always bossing me around. And we’re like, Hello, I’m the parent. I told you. So yeah, like Oh, yes. Anyway, so lots of lots of synchronicities there. I also very long story short, had anxiety and as a kid as a teenager and into my 20s and could not really overcome that. It was just always bubbling beneath the surface, to the point where when I got really nervous I was stressed or overwhelmed, I would actually faint. And I know you know about the polyvagal theory. So wow, because I only just a few years, probably three, three or four years ago, which is I started motional intelligence about five years ago, professionally. And that and the polyvagal theory and understanding about the nervous system, I was like, oh, that’s what’s happening. Like, it was like a light bulb moment. So anyway, now I do also work with kids and teens to support them in their anxiety. So it’s a bit of a bucket of Laura Petix 10:30 a few things. Lovely, that makes you a great person to talk today with our thinking about our childhood, because you and I have, I guess, sort of similar experiences. If you’re talking about you were also living with anxiety and not having really the proper supports for it. Right? Same with me. I didn’t know I really had anxiety until I was an adult. I didn’t know that. My personality quirks and all the things that made me me were actually part of anxiety. And I’m like, oh, wait a second, that wasn’t just like, Laura V. Laura. Like, or like, you know, quote, like type a people that that girls, I feel like it labeled a lot. So there’s a lot of that. And so, I’m gonna list out five common things that we or at least I have heard in childhood, and if those same scenarios would have come up with our kids now how you would respond, and then how I would respond or, and anything else that comes up? Do you see? Okay, so the first one that I listed was when your parents said, like, if you would have just, you know, blank, when I told you like, this wouldn’t have happened, or like I told you, this would happen, right? So I going back thinking about those times, you know, my mom told me to move a cup, or else it was going to spill, or told me to slow down or I was going to fall. And when the thing happened, the immediate response is I told you that was going to happen, you should have just listened to me when I said, like, does that trigger any memories for you? Like it does for me? Speaker 1 11:55 Yes, it does. Like I feel I feel that back then. You know, it’s so important to talk about these lesson like quote unquote, lessons that we have to unlearn because we just thought that was normal. And we thought, okay, parents know best and oh my gosh, I’m bad. I did the wrong thing. Like, oh, you know, I better not, we, I think now fast forward, like yes, I definitely have memories of being told off by my parents and being sent to my room and they I don’t think they use the word timeout, but we definitely were like, go to your room kind of thing. So I think there’s definitely a shift a huge shift now at least in the circles that I’m in and we’re in that is moving away from this like hierarchy, all of this, like dominance, the power over parenting, like because I said just do it. And if you would have then this wouldn’t have happened. And really it’s I do see it as I don’t know if this is gonna like ruffle some feathers but I see it as we’re coming in line with our kids to be somewhat on the same level in terms of respect. So I want to hear what you have to say Your voice is important. You do get some choice you can let me know if you disagree. I will apologize if I raised my voice and I shouldn’t have we still have boundaries we still get to kind of have the have this you know have the boundaries at the end of the day and say well you do need to brush your teeth or you know we do need to get in the car like it’s not that we’re our kids best friend. But like Yeah, I think we are I’m on the same level with my kids and they are allowed to say no they are allowed to challenge me I still as in you know make these big decisions at the end of the day but I’m like I am friends with my kids I really love them like they’re fun to be around vivo i Laura Petix 13:33 You can be friends with your kids and still set boundaries I set boundaries with my friends my adult friends I set boundaries around right like boundaries does not It’s not sending setting boundaries doesn’t mean like having all authoritarian power. And you know, like dictating things over your kid you could set boundaries and be respectful like you mentioned. So if your child let’s say you told your child Hey, and I watch out where you’re stepping you might fall or you might break your brother’s toy or something and if what would you do then if one of your children Okay, Mom, I’ll be careful and then they do it again and you’re like, that’s what I didn’t want to happen. How would you respond in that moment to them if something like that has happened? Well, I Speaker 1 14:14 definitely would not use the I told you so because I mean, I would not like that having been rubbed in my face but I’d be like, Whoa, that thing happened or like are you okay? And do you want to try something different? Do you want to walk I’m thinking of like when you walk on the guidance edges than walls and you’re balancing betting you know, what do you want me to hold your hand this time? Because you did. So I would just like work with them to make a bit of plan I wouldn’t do that when it’s something safe like you know, we’re totally like yeah, okay, like you’re not gonna die you might stumbling get hurt. I’m gonna be here to catch you. Yeah, I’m not going to be like what? I said no, so get down. And Laura Petix 14:50 it’s like those those cuts. That’s a perfect example of like, more of like a natural consequence like it happened on its own right. I told you not to put The cup there you did and it spilled. Adding the extra verbal of like, see and happen and I said it that the consequence already happened. They’re already internalizing Gary. It’s unnecessary. So it’s just about, you know, I would like like, Oh no, like I like sometimes I’ll say, Oh, no What happened and I will actually have my daughter if if people out here listening have children who have those communication abilities, but also like what happened and just see if she could retell like, oh, the cup was too close to the edge or usually it’s, I don’t know, it just happened. I Yeah, accidents happened. I wonder if your if your cup was just maybe a little too close? That’s okay. What should we do now? So kind of like guiding through the process of what can they can do after trying to avoid shame. But I bet you it’s already there. So we do not need to add that I told you. So that is already like a natural consequence. In and of itself, right? Speaker 1 15:51 Yeah, I’m glad you said it’s already there. Because kids already feel that like, oh, yeah, well, they’re like, oh, you know, the Laura Petix 15:57 consequence doesn’t have to be something that a parent offers, right? Especially the the point of it being natural is that it happens on its own. And of course, if it’s safety related, you don’t want to just let it happen. Again, you definitely need to step in, but we don’t need to do the like, the correctional like kind of verbal, getting mad at them or making them feel bad. But having said that, I sometimes slip into it, it sometimes comes out of me because it’s a work in progress. Yeah. Okay. The second thing I was remembering was, this happens a lot as a very sensitive, anxious emotional child. I heard a lot of like, Oh, come on, you’re too old to be acting like that. Stop crying about it. It’s not a big deal. Like your six, year seven, year eight, year nine year 10. You shouldn’t be crying about that. Look at all the other kids, they’re not crying. They’re not. So a lot of that making me feel bad for having big emotions, which I was not in control of. If anything, when my parents said that, maybe it stopped me crying, but it was not out of me feeling better. It was me feeling bad about the fact that now people are staring at me, or I’m acting like a baby. But I didn’t want to be called a baby at seven or eight, you know? So did anyone say that to you? When you’re younger? Speaker 1 17:16 The the word I remember hearing, and I’ve really had to stop myself. No surprises from this word falling out of my mouth when my kids are having big emotions or having a hard time dealing with something is ridiculous. You’ll be ridiculous. Yes, this is why you acting so ridiculous. Like, oh, gosh, I Laura Petix 17:37 see that a lot. Still. And I’d stay totally try not to but it does, it slips out. It slips out. Speaker 1 17:44 Yeah, it was something that I heard a lot. And it really kind of it does make you feel like, Am I too much? Is this like, am I not okay being like letting these emotions out when I’m having a hard time. And I know, you know, and talk a lot about masking. And I think where like, it’s such a slippery slope into, you know, encouraging kids to really put it away, shove it down and get on with a job walk into the classroom or, you know, go to work later in life, because we put on this mask of, okay, I’m going to be okay, I’ll deal with it later or not at all. Just don’t show anything other than I’m happy. Exactly. Laura Petix 18:25 And I think where this is coming from, I know where this is coming from. Because now as the parent, when I slip into those thing, this is ridiculous. It’s about my self as the caregiver and my parents at that time, being very uncomfortable around a child’s feelings and saying, I don’t like you crying. I don’t know how to handle it. I’m embarrassed. I don’t like this. You’re ruining my time. You’re too loud, stop crying, what are you doing, and it’s really about the parent, not being able to regulate their own emotions. And this is why it’s such a cycle because my parents didn’t teach me how to deal with my emotions as a child. So now as a parent, when I’m overwhelmed my own daughter’s emotions. I’m still learning how to tolerate her emotions my own way instead of just telling her to stop because my parents told me to stop and I don’t like this feeling inside of me. Like and that is the cycle. So it’s so tricky. Yeah, Speaker 1 19:15 I was like look at the cycle. It just engineers. We have a beautiful like we have grandparents involved with our kids, which is so special. And they are beautiful. And one in particular cannot tolerate like I loved how you use that word. They can’t. It’s the the inability to tolerate or the discomfort like really strongest comfort. When one of my kids was crying at Easter time. I don’t even know if there’s this Easter or last Easter. A huge egg that had been bought was for him had like cracked and broken and the grandparent was like, jumped straight into being overly silly and jovial and dragging. Like oh like slaps, slapstick comedy, kind of like Oh my gosh, oh, like, on the ground in order to make my child you know, okay and laugh and just to get them out of being upset and stop crying, and I was witnessing it like this from above. And I was like, Whoa, like I just had this moment where it’s like, I get what is happening, like I can see it. So that was a huge reminder for me. Laura Petix 20:18 My mom does that all the time, like, and so like I said, I know they mean, well, no one wants to see their kids or grandchildren unhappy, no one’s gonna raise their hand and be like, Yeah, I love when they’re unhappy. And we know that life happens. And even as much as you try to shield your child, and all of these things like feelings will come. So we need to teach them how to handle them. So what is an example of how you would have handled that situation at Easter if your child was so excited for the egg or something, and then it broke it melted that happened today with my child’s like cake pop it melted. Instead of saying, it’s not that big of a deal, stop crying? Are you too old to cry? Or trying to distract them out of it and get them to like, forget about it? What’s the way that you would respond? Speaker 1 21:04 Hmm, I would just go into validating that my child is not okay, that they really upset. And I’m a, you know, naturally show some empathy, like, Oh, my God, that sucks. Or oh, come and show me what happened. You know, I wonder if we can fix it? Or, you know, what are we going to do? And you guys can’t see, but my facial expression is like, oozing that in my body language, like, Yeah, I’m slow. I’m down at their level. And my facial expression is showing them like, Oh, my God, like that was you just got it. That’s one of those big shiny eggs. It’s got a huge crack in it. Like, I would feel upset because, yeah, it’s a special thing. And Laura Petix 21:42 it takes it takes a lot of practice, if you’ve never been validated before, by an adult, it feels uncomfortable. Because when I coach parents do this, they’re like, it feels like a script. And I’m like, well, it is kind of a script when you’re first learning it. But if you practice it, it becomes more fluent. And then they get used to hearing it. And like you said, you can’t just say these words, you’ve got to really believe that they’re having a really hard time. And that’s why I always say, it starts with like that mindset and really believe in your child’s experience, even if you don’t get it until you feel so silly. You have to remember, in the proportion of time that like they’ve been alive, and they have their brain and their experience of the world, this is a really big thing to them, even though for us, you know, like we’ve seen so many things happen in life, relatively speaking, it’s a tiny thing for a chocolate egg to melt or a big shiny egg to crack. But to this kid, it could be a big thing. So just believe that their experience is hard for them. And if you can wholeheartedly try to believe it, even the sensory experiences, if they’re complaining over a fuzz and their sock, you know, and they’re like, it’s uncomfortable. And you’re saying it’s not, it’s not, it’s soft, it’s fine. The first thing you have to do is believe their experience. And then when you validate, it’s going to feel a little bit more authentic. And sometimes, like I will say like, oh, that does suck and I feel like I’m feeding into it. And sometimes people near me that like, you’re gonna tell her that that something like yeah, it does like that is really disappointing, and fully believing it. Speaker 1 23:09 Yeah, you know what? I think that’s a good point. I think a lot of parents worry that. am I feeding into it on my cuddling? Am I making it worse? And I’m like, No. Imagine if you have something going on in your work or in your marriage. And you’re telling a friend about it? Would you rather than to say you know, it’s not that big a deal. There are kids starving overseas, or you can just get another job? Or, you know, would you like them to say whoa, like I can I get it? Like I have done that? I can’t imagine that is so awful. Yeah. Is that going to make you go? Yes. Let me tell all about it. Or is that just gonna make you go Thank you. Like you get it like thank you for Yeah, not trying to talk me out of it. I’ll fix it. Laura Petix 23:48 Yes. Or there’s sometimes I will ask my daughter like, is there anything I can do to the is there anything you need me to do for you? Or, you know, like, oh, gosh, I see that it’s broken. Like, I wish I could fix it doesn’t look like this is fixable. Do you need a hug? So it’s kind of like leading her in that like, I can’t do anything about this. I’m not buying you a new one. I cannot glue this back together. Like it’s it’s done. It sucks. I can’t fix this. Would you like a hug would you like and then she’ll just be upset and I’m like, I know it’s and so then we go through the dance of dealing with the dysregulation which is a whole thing. But the point is, if your child is having a bigger than what you would expect reaction for something that happened whether they lost a toy, they broke they lost a game, a sensory thing. Try to believe their experience and you can still validate even if you don’t really get where they’re coming from. Unknown Speaker 24:39 Absolutely love it. Laura Petix 24:41 Okay, the next one that I have is you kind of we’ve kind of already alluded to it these are all kind of intertwined. I feel like this all happened like one time and like it can hear parents saying it like one thing after another. The because I said so. So when kids ask, Well, why do I turn off the TV Well, why can’t I go to his house? Or why can’t I save just 20 more minutes? Why can’t we just have another book. And I know it can be frustrating because we don’t really have a reason for everything. And I shouldn’t have to give you a reason. So it because I said so because I’m your parent. But it can also feel dismissive as a child. And if we go back to your point at the beginning of trying to respect our children, then it’s it, we want to have a different response. So did you have that experience growing up? Yes, yeah, Speaker 1 25:31 I felt very much kind of, I don’t want to say shut down, but I want to say overridden, like, because I was the child and I was younger, my parents were in that place of authority. And so what they said, those kind of thing, and I because of my anxiety, and just my personality type, I guess I was not the one to like, argue back. So I’m the youngest of three. So I learned from my older siblings. Oh, okay. That was, don’t do that. You’ll get in trouble. Don’t do that. You’ll get told up like we just learned through life experience. So yes, I, I experienced that. And I had to stop even sometimes now I might just just because yeah, but I have to remind myself, especially because I think of my it’s, I have that communication and language background, right. So I know the power of clearly and consciously communicating with your kids so that they, in their in their language, like age or developmentally appropriately, so they get it a little bit more than just trying to force their compliance, like I will say, why they have to brush their teeth, even though I have to say that time and time again, night after night, I will tell them why we have to get in the car, or why we’ve only got five minutes left, or why they do need to get off the TV or the computer and come for dinner. And yes, it takes me probably 10 to 15 seconds longer. But I promise you most of the time, the outcome is so much more different. Because they they get why we have these rules. I don’t feel like we just make an arbitrary statements. And like, you know, we’re just in this position of power. I’m like, Guys, most of the time pretty much all the time, I have good reasons why I need you to do things, or I need you to stop doing things. And they they’re seeing and they’re getting that I’m a fair parent. And most of the time, I’m a yes parent. So I if I can if I have the space? Or if we can do it or work our way around it. And like sure, maybe not now, or maybe not totally, or you can’t maybe have the whole packet. But sure you can have a couple of lollies or Jess or yes, we can watch another show like we’ve got five more minutes. So most of the time I say yes. And most of the time, I clearly tried to just explain a little bit behind why we’re doing things. And then they they’re so much more I want to say cooperative, because they don’t feel like I’m just this like a policeman calling all the shots. Laura Petix 27:46 Yep, yep. It’s a good mix of, you know, wanting to be flexible and showing them that I’m not going to be as rigid as because, you know, we complain that our kids are rigid, at least a neurodivergent ones, right. And I as someone now who fully owns that I have neurodivergent, I realized how much her rigidity and mine like at conflict. And I’m like, No, you’re not supposed to be doing that. And she’s like, well, I want to know, like, No, but that’s not the way it’s supposed to be done. And I’m like, wait a second, I should probably be flexible, too. So there’s some things we can’t be flexible, which is great to show. But there are other things that our non negotiables are there some nights when we just can’t be flexible? And I think it’s very fair to to act accordingly to your to your kids. But if they’re asking why my favorite response in the moment is, you know, it’s especially for those non negotiables. It’s usually related to health and safety. And so it’s always my same response. I’m your parents, and it’s my job to keep you safe and healthy. And that can apply to like, Why do I have to wear these clothes? Why to have to brush my teeth? Why don’t to take a bath? Why do I turn off the screen. And so we can all relate to that. But then what I do is, again, outside the moment, this applies to everything, I try to find ways to visually prove what I’m saying I try to use as much objective information as possible. So pictures of how, you know germs are invisible and how they can spread because I know you don’t see it. But this is why it’s really important to wash our hands. But I’m not going to go through that science lesson. When we’re in the public restroom and she doesn’t want to wash her hands. I’m just going to get her to do it. But then later I’m like hey, you know what I’ve noticed washing hands it’s not your favorite thing to do I get it it’s extra time you don’t like wedding like I get it I hate having it to do you know why but why we do it and then I’ll usually there’s a YouTube video for everything a picture draw something like visually show them why we have to do certain things. And I’ve had to do this for a lot of the most random scenarios, but it’s it’s worked when you use visual demonstration. And then you can be like Hey, remember, yesterday when we pulled out all the clothes from your drawer and I showed you what happens when you wear clothes over and over again and we looked through the pans we saw how thin they got. That happens again if I wash your clothes this is why mommy says we need to go shop being invited. Speaker 1 30:02 I love that. So good. But I think a lot of us don’t. I mean, life is so busy, we don’t always take the time, which I get like, I’m not doing this every single time I’m doing most of the time maybe. But also, it’s not in our blueprint, like our parents mostly did not do this. So I get it if this sounds a bit tedious, and it sounds like it’s a, you said before, you know, with, it sounds a bit like a script, sometimes it is. But everything is everything is unusual or unfamiliar, before it becomes familiar. Laura Petix 30:32 Oh, yes, it’s gonna feel different at first. And that’s what I tell my daughter all the time, I know, second grade, it’s going to feel different. And then it’s not going to feel so different. And sometimes different things don’t feel good, because you don’t know what to expect. So I try to remind myself of that as well. All right, two more things to talk about about in our childhood. If this ever happened to you, this is big in Filipino culture. When you go to family parties, and you are required to kiss hug, show some like physical affection, especially to your elders, your uncle’s, your grandma, your grandpa. So it’s like, oh, like go kiss your grandma. Don’t be rude. Hurry, go. If you don’t kiss grandma, then you’re not gonna get a Christmas present, like the forcing of the hugs and kisses. I did not realize why it was such a big deal. Until now as an adult, and I’m like, I do not want to make my daughter kiss or hug anybody she doesn’t want to. Unknown Speaker 31:26 So did you experience that as a kid? Yes. Laura Petix 31:29 Oh, yeah. It was it you had to always like, it was truly a sign of disrespect, if you like would not hug or kiss an elder or someone at like at a party. Speaker 1 31:42 You know? Wow. So you just had to do it regardless. And that’s huge. Like, the sign of respect. Like that is such a big thing in, in cultures that and even just every culture. I think if we don’t respect, if we have this disrespect, then Oh my God. You’re a bad kid. And you’re a bad parents like, attached to that. Laura Petix 31:58 Yeah, yeah. So I don’t know if that’s something that still happens for you. Or if that happened when you were a child, but do you have experience with with with family members who were like, really, really tried to squeeze a little hug out of your kids? And they didn’t want to? Or? Speaker 1 32:15 Yeah, so me personally, not so much growing up because my family is English. So we were not so much love. Laura Petix 32:23 And that’s like, accepted, they’re like, well, well, well, don’t hug like we’re not hugging people. And it would be rude if you impose yourself up to hug. It’s so interesting between cultures, it would Speaker 1 32:33 be probably a bit awkward or shy, but but my parents are sorry, my husband is Portuguese. Uh huh. So is, yeah, his family still beautiful. But we’ll come in and be like, where’s my hug? Come and give me a kiss. And I’m like, cringe. Yeah, but Laura Petix 32:54 it’s so. And some kids are like, happy to do that. Like, that’s totally fine. But like my daughter, neurodivergent, when she was two, before she was even speaking, she had a hard time around even like my cousin, she couldn’t even like make eye contact with them. I couldn’t even force her if I wanted to, like there’s no way. But now it’s a big, there’s a, you know, there’s big conversations out there on teaching kids how to give consent, and how to set boundaries with family members around that and being okay with that. So since it doesn’t, it’s not as applicable to you personally, from your childhood. But if you were coaching a parent right now, who was who was dealing with this, you know, every time I bring my child to Grandma’s house, grandma’s like, really, really stuck on needing a kiss or a hug. What would you suggest to that parent in terms of how they can advocate for their child and what they would tell their child directly? about it? Speaker 1 33:50 Yeah, that’s a good point. Because you mentioned kind of two, like a two pronged approaches. Yeah. Besides having having a conversation with your child, and then having a conversation with the grandparents, because I think it’s like, it’s almost 5050, there’s two sides there. So I love also that you mentioned, there’s so, so much more conversation now around personal space and body awareness, consent and things like that. And we have a lot more research around who is who are some of these people who are, I want to say predators and people who are not maybe to be trusted, or who are likely to take advantage of our kids and things. And most of the time is someone who’s known or a family member. So we don’t I know we don’t like talking about that. But there are the facts there. So I think we just want to have a conversation with our kids, obviously, at their language level, but at their developmental level as well. There are beautiful books out there. Now. We’ve got some here and that just takes I think the pressure off the parent, because if you think I don’t know what to say, this is awkward or embarrassing. Grab a book, like there’s tons on Amazon, and it just pressures off, you know, oh, let’s have a read of this book and And then it’s the conversation I feel like this is the more difficult part, maybe for me personally, is to have conversations around what we’re teaching our kids, and what’s important to us and what we want to be reinforcing, rather than what you should stop doing. Because you’re making my child uncomfortable, or I want you not to do that. It’s more like, Hey, we’re focusing on teaching our child or at our school, you know, our school, our kids have done lessons on consent and body awareness and things like that. So it’s difficult, but I think, kind of handling both sides. And yes, of course, like advocating for our kids and, and letting them know, you know, in objective, non judgmental, like, just matter of fact, terms like this is your body. You You own it, it belongs to you. So you get to say what it does and doesn’t do, there are times for health and safety, who that we have to go to the doctor or get in the shower. But when it comes to things like greeting, kissing, hugging, then let’s have a conversation about that. Because you might not want to or you might not feel comfortable. What do you think? So I think that’s, it’s Laura Petix 36:03 a really good point that you brought up that when you are setting the boundary with the family member or friend, or whoever it might be that we don’t lead with, like, Hey, I don’t like that you asked my kid for a hug, can you not be so pushy, like they’re gonna Yvette, they’re gonna for sure get into immediate defense mode. And so I like starting with like, hey, you know, something we’ve been practicing at home is asking her if she would like a hug before we give her a hug. I know, you haven’t seen her in so long. But it’s just so you know, these are the words we’ve worked on at home. So if you hear her say that it would be helpful if you could respect that and offer a high five and said, I also like to give parents just like we tell kids like what you can do instead of what you can’t do, right. So if she refuses a hug, I know that so hard, but we taught her what an air hug is, if you want to give her an air hug, if you want to blow kisses, she knows what that is. But giving them options. And again, before you get there, what you don’t want to do is show up at the door. And then there’s this whole confrontation of loyalty telling me well, she doesn’t want to and then there’s a whole scene there. So I would take the time before going to talk to whoever you think that’s going to happen with and then also your child in advance and give both of them the same choices. So I’ll tell my daughter, hey, we’re going to cousins like tonight, if you don’t want to talk to anyone, that’s fine. If they say hi, you can wave with your hands, or I can be your voice for you, you could squeeze me and I’ll say oh, she says hi. And I’ll tell my cousin’s, hey, if she doesn’t want to talk, I’m going to talk for her or she’s going to waive but no hugs, no kisses, things like that. So it’s covered on both sides. And they’re on the same page, they have the language, and then we’re good. Oh, you’re so good at that. It’s happened a lot. So I’ve had a lot of practice. All right. The last one, I this is a this is I swear I just said this to my daughter last week. So again, work in progress. I am not I am in it with all of you, I am not judging you, if you say this, but this happened a lot when I grew up. It was the you know, if you don’t clean up all your toys, I’m gonna throw them away. Or that that trying to incite guilt for not playing with your toys, or not eating your food and saying, there are people less fortunate than us that don’t have toys, or that don’t have food. So you should be grateful for what you have. No, I’m not gonna buy you that you already have this. And just like my parents, I feel like made it into like a whole thing. And I’m like, you can just say no. Like, why do you have to make me feel like I’m responsible for those people who are less fortunate than us? Like, I can also feel bad that they have you know that they don’t have access to certain things, but it doesn’t. Like what does that have to do with my personal experience right now? Yeah. Speaker 1 38:44 And mostly actually, that’s a really good point. Mostly those kinds of things. Like, I remember hearing there are kids starving in Africa. That was yeah, those Yeah. I heard that. And usually we those kind of phrases guilt trips, I guess maybe I used on younger, you wouldn’t really use that maybe on a 15 year? I don’t know. But I’m thinking kids at young ages like yeah, I’ve six 810 They like they do not have we wouldn’t have had the the capacity, the cognitive capacity or the life experience to really fathom what it is like in you know, third world countries, that they don’t have anything to eat the starving feeling that in the stomach, like, it just it’s almost, it’s such an adult focus. Like it really is. Its meaning that it falls on deaf ears, essentially. It’s kind of just, yeah, so. And I think the something else that comes out for me is that it’s like this, it reinforces this. I’m up here and you’re down there. So if you don’t, then I will like it’s we’ve got this power over kids that basically we want that compliance. We want that obedience, like do, I’m gonna give you like there’ll be a threat or a punishment, something to make you do what I want, basically. So it’s very, I want to say kind of, it’s not we’re not on the same level. It’s on I’ve got the power and you don’t so, you know, it’s, it’s almost a little bit of a balance. Like, there’s sorry, there’s no balance of okay, you know, what do you think? Or why? Why are you not hungry? Like, why are you not playing with this toy? Or you? Should we donate it? Like, there’s none of that. It’s just what I say goes, if that makes sense. Yeah. Laura Petix 40:18 So you would, how would you handle that? Like the toy situation? So would you offer to donate it if they’re not playing with it? Like, if, let’s say, if one of your kids, you know, sitting in a pile of toys, and they’ve got a closet full of toys, and they’re like, I’m bored, I have nothing to play with. Or they’re, you know, there’s, they’re just not really paying attention to what they’re asking for more toys. How would you respond to a child who has an abundance of things to play with, but they feel like it’s not what they want? And whereas our parents would have said, be grateful for what you have? There’s kids who have nothing? How would you respond today to your kid? If it wasn’t? That’s a Speaker 1 40:55 good question. So what? Well, this is more like a tip or a strategy. Sometimes I think we I’m gonna jump to this because it’s in my brain. I know, some families will like rotate their toy, like what’s on display? Or what they’ve got? And I do you have a few things that they’ve just tucked up in cupboards and things like that, so that we can rotate them. But that that just is trying to kind of avoid that problem. Yeah. But rather than like, if a child is saying, I’ve got, you know, they have so many toys and everything, but I want another one, or I want something you’re on board, like I would work with, okay, like, what does it feel like to be bored? What else can we do? I wouldn’t, I wouldn’t immediately go, well, then if you don’t want these toys, and you’re bored, I’m going to throw them out or donate them. I would be like, Okay, well, like that’s one facet do we want to sort through and have a sorting day where we organize and re re like, sometimes my kids will reorganize their room and set it up differently. And it’s fresh and exciting. And I might say, Hey, I’m played with this for, you know, a year or something distill? What should we give it to, you know, the, the toy library or the preschool, or the whatever. So there are things you can do there. But if a child is just complaining that they’re bored, and you know, they have lots of toys, like I would just work on that the boredom, like validating again, it isn’t really hard to be bored. It sucks. Like, when you feel like you just don’t have any ideas. And it’s, it’s sucky. Like, what can we do? Let’s come up. Sometimes I’ve grabbed like, I’ve literally got something new, I have little pieces of paper, everywhere, where I make a little menu for the kids, or I’m like, let’s make a let’s make an ideas menu. And we did it because I was, I was just saying, before we jumped on, my kids are on a two week winter break. So we’re home. And yeah, it is hard to sometimes get that creative spark of ideas. And I’m doing some work. So I instead of saying I don’t care, just find something like, you know, or me suggesting 10 things and they get a no to everyone. Oh, yeah. Okay, go go in your room, or let’s start a list. Let me help you get started. Like you do have to, I think facilitate a bit of that. And, and then yeah, so so there’s lots of different ideas. It you know, if we tackle the I’m bored, plus all the I have the toys and I’m playing with them. There’s a few different kinds of things. Laura Petix 43:04 What about when they like leave their toys everywhere, and like my mom used to be like, anything that’s left on the floor is going in the trash? If it’s not cleaned up in like 20 minutes, like, What is your motivation for kids to clean instead of threatening to throw the toys away? Or give them away? Speaker 1 43:21 Yes, you know, I think if we if we get to that point where there’s a whole mess of toys, like in the lounge room, or the kid’s room or something that says that we’re not doing we’re not like maybe cleaning up as we go. Or maybe that the kids have just had a free for all the big busy day of playing, which it totally happens at my house. And so they’re kind of natural, like this stuff is going to happen naturally is what I’m saying. We can either talk to our kids about cleaning as we go and making that fun and everything has a place or every every toy has a little you know spot where it goes kind of thing. Or we can jump in and go okay, this is overwhelming. If there are toys everywhere, and it’s dinnertime and we want to you know, get ready for dinner for example. I would say well, there is a whole heap. This is like for my daughter especially, she has what we call a floor drobe because her clothes are all over the floor. So I say well, okay, do you want to clean this up like my husband is a huge kind of advocate for the bedrooms are their own personal space. The lounge room is a shared space. So that’s where we can get them to sort of tidy and work together but they’ll their bedroom. Technically it is their space. I come from the we had a tidy room. We had to retain it anyway. So I balance it with her. I still have moments where I’m like, Honey, this is a mess. I clean it like I still have this human moments, but most of the time I will ask them like do you want to clean it up? I can’t really walk over there to your cupboard because there’s so many things on the floor. And so I’ll notice it with her. I’ll say Are you okay with it or are you getting a bit stressed or overwhelmed because sometimes mess makes me overwhelmed and in the past she has said no I mean, I really don’t like my room, can you please come and help me tidy it and it’s, you know, it’s too much. And I have to muster, like, I have to dial up my emotional intelligence so that I manage my, my volcano. And most of the time, I’ll say yes or yes, in a few minutes or tomorrow, but I help her do it. And I’m like, just pick one thing. Let’s do Should we do the clothes? Or do you want to do the Teddy’s? Or do you want to do your craft? Or do you want to do the books and we just systematically work on it together? And we were probably having a conversation about, you know, letting it get messy. And what else can we do? You know, so that it doesn’t get to this point. But yeah, I’m doing that conversation again. And again, because she is seven. So she is not going she doesn’t have the capacity for the, like the executive function, not there. So yeah, I can either just say, well, sucks to be you. Or I can say, let me help you with that like, because, you know, that concept of kind of being your child’s frontal lobe, I really like that. So most of the time, I help and I get in there. And yeah, I Laura Petix 45:59 love that, that that is a great point, where you talked about your husband, and you coming from kind of different households. And that that basically ties it all together that as we are parents, or if you have a two parent household, you’re they’re bringing both of your own childhood experiences into your parenting, and you have to find a way to compromise, even if it was the same experience if you both came from the room household, or if you both came from households with a clean plate club, as they call it, where you are forced, you know, my husband and I are both Filipino. So we both come from households where we had to kiss our grandma, grandpa, and like it was forced. So So we’re coming to the table with our experiences from childhood and we get to decide what is going to best serve our child and not having to just parent out of fear out of trauma out of triggers, and just really say, what would be best for my child and you can be informed I, I think back to the moments I can remember because I am so similar to my daughter, I can basically put myself in her shoes and remember and think like how would I have wanted my parents to respond at that time and I try really hard to dig deep. This doesn’t happen every day. But when I zoom out and think about how I want to parent my child, you can label it respectful parenting, authoritative, parenting, gentle parenting conscious, like there’s so many words for it. But at the end of it, I know there are things I want to keep from my childhood. There’s things I want to do differently. I don’t have anything bad to say about my parents, but there are things that I am doing differently from them. Because I no more and my daughter is a different person than I am even though we have like similar serotypes. You Speaker 1 47:49 know what that last point is really important. You’re parenting differently, because your child is not you. Yeah, like we are not parenting many versions of ourselves. I am different. I can’t just use the same blueprint that what that I experienced on a completely like off their day to day life. Laura Petix 48:08 Life is different to like the world. This is like it’s I roll my eyes every time I hear someone say well, when we were kids, oh my god, things have changed so much since we were kids. So it’s not even this. We can’t even it’s apples to oranges. Like, culture was different. The world was different climate can’t like everything. In addition to our own like childhood, our own kids like biological makeup and their brain wiring. so, so important. But that was that’s such a good way to end today’s episode. It was so good talking with you, Stephanie. I always love having conversations with you. Speaker 1 48:39 It is just a conversation. It never feels like an interviewer or it’s a Laura Petix 48:44 call like I’m like, Oh, do you want to do a podcast interview? It’s really a conversation. And we’ve talked so many times that that it’s always good to have this conversation. So I want to remind everyone to register for the Casta connection summit, the second annual one, I am one of the panelists on there who offers a talk and my talk was on how to talk to kids about neurodiversity. So not just the neurodivergent kids, but how to talk to their neurotypical siblings and classmates and how it’s important to really infuse that spirit of celebrating neurodiversity, not just accepting it, and not just including them, but fully fully honoring and celebrating differences. And I’m gonna put a link to register for the summit below the show notes. So people can sign up. But Stephanie, where can folks find you to learn more from you if they want to hear some of your content? Yeah, Speaker 1 49:39 okay, so I am on Instagram. I’m the I’m at emotionally intelligent dot parent, so you can find me there. You can also find me and my Facebook community, which is called Let’s raise emotionally intelligent kids. My website is just my name. So that’s really easy. Stephanie pinto.com And actually, I have to say your session And Laura, eye opening for me and so heartwarming and so insightful. And I was a therapist, I did work at Autism Spectrum Australia, like I had this. I mean, it was a few years ago. But I just think, you know, we touched on this the world is so different today. And I think your session, particularly, that is such a standout one we have a whole day based around managing wellbeing and supporting don’t neurodivergent families and kids and things like that. And we have lots of different sort of sessions on even things like screen time, talking to your kids about devices, about friendships, about sex about, like teens, we have for the younger kids as well, you know, challenging behavior, big emotions, and how to connect and how to listen like it. If you’re a parent of a child any age, then I really strongly encourage you to grab a free ticket because even if you watch like one or two out of the 30, you are going to take away some golden nuggets for free. So Laura Petix 51:01 that’s great to know that there’s information on teens because I always get asked information for older kids, and that’s way out of my wheelhouse. So I will definitely be re sharing that point with with my audience. So thank you again for your time today. Stephanie. I look forward to seeing you around more podcasts and maybe next year summit too. Unknown Speaker 51:18 Yes. Thank you so much, Laura. Laura Petix 51:22 If you enjoyed this podcast, please consider rating it and leaving a review which helps other parents find me as well. Want to learn more for me. I share tons more over on Instagram at the OT butterfly. See you next time. Transcribed by https://otter.ai